It's silent for a beat, apart from quiet chewing as Erwin takes a moment to eat, and to think. He'd framed up this conversation in his mind earlier, but Levi has a way of drawing more honest, less rehearsed reactions out of him than he'd like.
"It was simple. Nice." But reality is not. They don't have nice, simple lives and they aren't supposed to. He lets those words hang in the air as they are nonetheless, curious about Levi's own thoughts.
Levi says it softly, even though he knows Erwin is fully aware of them. But it almost feels as though if he says them out loud, if he can make it such that they can blame their behavior entirely on the shift and not because of any latent emotions, that it'd be easier to put it behind them and move on.
It's just harder now, because he can remember that simplicity. It's infuriating, really, that someone would dare flaunt and let them experience a lifestyle they'll never, ever be able to obtain. Even if Luceti is close to it, they still have their history and tightly-held inhibitions to overcome.
He doesn't need to directly acknowledge Levi's words; Levi knows that he knows, and his silence is enough. He looks at the fruit between them before refocusing directly on Levi's face, gaze steady.
"I told you my thoughts when we were here last." Having a taste of a simpler life hasn't changed his mind. "At the very least, we now know for certain that whatever occurs here has no effect on anything when we return."
Their first time in Luceti, that was something that he would have needed to confirm with absolute certainty for himself to lift any doubts or reservations he had. It had been a more or less convenient excuse to not fall over the edge into veritably forbidden territory - to dare even express those feelings, let alone act on them.
Now, he has no reason to hold back. That's how Erwin sees it at least, Levi thinks. Erwin has always been the one to take risks, sometimes no matter what the cost, to exploit the opportunities presented to them as they arise if some benefit could be seen. There's no way he'll give up trying now.
Levi shifts, still not sure how to reconcile his own desires with years of repression. He returns Erwin's gaze, finally.
At first it's somewhat surprising to Erwin that Levi chooses to interpret his words as such. But after taking a moment to re-examine, it isn't such a shock after all.
"That isn't what I said," Erwin replies, not reproachfully, but gently. "There are still a number of reasons to hold back." But Erwin has to wonder what Levi means when he says that. Hold back from what? Sex? Expressing sentiment? And admittedly, the reasons for holding back have grown fewer with the knowledge they have now about how being transferred to and from Luceti works. Does Levi...want to stop holding back?
"What I mean is this: we can't change what has happened, and in turn it won't change anything for us at home. I don't want you to worry yourself over it, or for it to cause any strife between us." He feels the urge to reach across the table an lay his hand on Levi's arm, but represses it. He usually thinks very little of initiating simple physical contact like that while talking to someone, but in this case it is something he should be more sensitive to. "However," he continues, "if you feel differently, or think that I am addressing this issue insensitively, please tell me. I want to reconcile any differences in a way that will enable both of us to move forward seamlessly." Perhaps unnervingly, he has maintained direct eye contact throughout their conversation.
"There must be a solid understanding between us. I need you, Levi."
And he is more frightened than he lets on that this has changed or will change the bond they have taken years to painstakingly establish in a way that is irreconcilable.
There's an urge to say 'nothing's changed,' which is the first thing that comes to mind. Except that it just isn't true anymore. Something has changed, but as far as Levi is concerned for the most part it doesn't really matter until Erwin brings it up.
Levi has long learned how to not shift under that gaze, if only for the mere fact that it no longer makes him uncomfortable. Erwin has his complete trust, and despite the shift in one level of their relationship, that hasn't been shaken at all.
He doesn't move at all, but in some way it's a relief to hear that Erwin hadn't been advocating to move forward unrestrained.
Levi's resolve is steady as ever when he speaks. His expression gives little away, but Erwin sees his sincerity, the good heart that is at Levi's very core. It will take more than this--whatever this is--to shake the trust they've forged between them, he realizes. He should have known that already. Even in this, Levi trusts his judgement. Even in this, Levi will follow his lead. He already has Levi's devotion.
"Thank you," he says, and this time does reach across the table to lay his hand on Levi's arm, just above his wrist. "I hope that I haven't disappointed you. As much as I..." He falters for a moment, collecting his thoughts. This isn't something he should say. "If you are comfortable with things as they are, then I am as well."
"...no." His voice is softer than he'd intended, as though struggling against something in his chest to get the word out. "You haven't."
Levi can only guess what words were meant to follow after Erwin cut himself short, but in a way he's glad they hadn't been said. Whatever it was, he's not sure he's ready for that. Not yet, and perhaps not ever.
Comfortable isn't quite the right word for how he feels about things as they are, but he's comfortable not thinking about it, for better or worse.
He moves his hand, shifting carefully so as not to fully dislodge Erwin's from his wrist, and twists it so that he can press their palms together, fingers curling over the top of Erwin's.
To be fair, Erwin doesn't particularly want to consider the words he might have said either. It's for the best that he stopped himself before he said anything too damning.
If Levi was disappointed, he would say so, Erwin thinks--yet his voice doesn't firm until 'it's fine.' Despite whatever difficulty he seems to be having, Erwin will take him at his word. He'll trust him.
Levi's touch, however, does little to deter the urge to stand and lean across the table and kiss him, just as he can remember kissing him last night. This is the opposite of what they are attempting to do here. But nonetheless he returns the grip, closing his fingers around Levi's hand.
"Good. I know that you would tell me if it weren't."
But it still leaves him with a strange tension that makes him press the pads of his fingers a little harder against Erwin's hand. It pulls tight across his chest, aching and surprisingly difficult to ignore.
All of those memories from the shift are still clear in his mind, almost irritating in the way that they encourage temptation. He can't entirely deny the desire that is there, but it's becoming harder and harder to turn away from it entirely.
So he settles for letting Erwin be the one to drop their hands, content to hold on for a while longer.
It's an ache that Erwin feels as well, too acute to ignore entirely. But it's something they'll both simply have to live with.
He remembers a day the last time they were in Luceti, when Levi was sick abed and Erwin had come in the morning to bring him tea and check on him. Levi had reached for his hand then, just as he had a moment ago. Erwin, surprised, had taken it and held it, but let go all too quickly. He should do the same now. But he doesn't. Their hands remain just where they are--a compromise, he thinks. He'll allow both of them this, but no more.
In a moment they'll begin discussing other things--what they've found out over the course of the day, what they intend to do tomorrow, what would be best for the future. But Erwin won't release Levi's hand until they get up from the table, and by the end of such a long conversation, it will have become so comfortable that he'll nearly have forgotten about it.
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It's silent for a beat, apart from quiet chewing as Erwin takes a moment to eat, and to think. He'd framed up this conversation in his mind earlier, but Levi has a way of drawing more honest, less rehearsed reactions out of him than he'd like.
"It was simple. Nice." But reality is not. They don't have nice, simple lives and they aren't supposed to. He lets those words hang in the air as they are nonetheless, curious about Levi's own thoughts.
no subject
Levi says it softly, even though he knows Erwin is fully aware of them. But it almost feels as though if he says them out loud, if he can make it such that they can blame their behavior entirely on the shift and not because of any latent emotions, that it'd be easier to put it behind them and move on.
It's just harder now, because he can remember that simplicity. It's infuriating, really, that someone would dare flaunt and let them experience a lifestyle they'll never, ever be able to obtain. Even if Luceti is close to it, they still have their history and tightly-held inhibitions to overcome.
Which is easier said than done.
no subject
"I told you my thoughts when we were here last." Having a taste of a simpler life hasn't changed his mind. "At the very least, we now know for certain that whatever occurs here has no effect on anything when we return."
no subject
Now, he has no reason to hold back. That's how Erwin sees it at least, Levi thinks. Erwin has always been the one to take risks, sometimes no matter what the cost, to exploit the opportunities presented to them as they arise if some benefit could be seen. There's no way he'll give up trying now.
Levi shifts, still not sure how to reconcile his own desires with years of repression. He returns Erwin's gaze, finally.
"So there's no reason to hold back."
no subject
"That isn't what I said," Erwin replies, not reproachfully, but gently. "There are still a number of reasons to hold back." But Erwin has to wonder what Levi means when he says that. Hold back from what? Sex? Expressing sentiment? And admittedly, the reasons for holding back have grown fewer with the knowledge they have now about how being transferred to and from Luceti works. Does Levi...want to stop holding back?
"What I mean is this: we can't change what has happened, and in turn it won't change anything for us at home. I don't want you to worry yourself over it, or for it to cause any strife between us." He feels the urge to reach across the table an lay his hand on Levi's arm, but represses it. He usually thinks very little of initiating simple physical contact like that while talking to someone, but in this case it is something he should be more sensitive to. "However," he continues, "if you feel differently, or think that I am addressing this issue insensitively, please tell me. I want to reconcile any differences in a way that will enable both of us to move forward seamlessly." Perhaps unnervingly, he has maintained direct eye contact throughout their conversation.
"There must be a solid understanding between us. I need you, Levi."
And he is more frightened than he lets on that this has changed or will change the bond they have taken years to painstakingly establish in a way that is irreconcilable.
no subject
Levi has long learned how to not shift under that gaze, if only for the mere fact that it no longer makes him uncomfortable. Erwin has his complete trust, and despite the shift in one level of their relationship, that hasn't been shaken at all.
He doesn't move at all, but in some way it's a relief to hear that Erwin hadn't been advocating to move forward unrestrained.
"You have me, Erwin. That won't change."
no subject
"Thank you," he says, and this time does reach across the table to lay his hand on Levi's arm, just above his wrist. "I hope that I haven't disappointed you. As much as I..." He falters for a moment, collecting his thoughts. This isn't something he should say. "If you are comfortable with things as they are, then I am as well."
no subject
Levi can only guess what words were meant to follow after Erwin cut himself short, but in a way he's glad they hadn't been said. Whatever it was, he's not sure he's ready for that. Not yet, and perhaps not ever.
Comfortable isn't quite the right word for how he feels about things as they are, but he's comfortable not thinking about it, for better or worse.
He moves his hand, shifting carefully so as not to fully dislodge Erwin's from his wrist, and twists it so that he can press their palms together, fingers curling over the top of Erwin's.
"...it's fine."
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If Levi was disappointed, he would say so, Erwin thinks--yet his voice doesn't firm until 'it's fine.' Despite whatever difficulty he seems to be having, Erwin will take him at his word. He'll trust him.
Levi's touch, however, does little to deter the urge to stand and lean across the table and kiss him, just as he can remember kissing him last night. This is the opposite of what they are attempting to do here. But nonetheless he returns the grip, closing his fingers around Levi's hand.
"Good. I know that you would tell me if it weren't."
no subject
But it still leaves him with a strange tension that makes him press the pads of his fingers a little harder against Erwin's hand. It pulls tight across his chest, aching and surprisingly difficult to ignore.
All of those memories from the shift are still clear in his mind, almost irritating in the way that they encourage temptation. He can't entirely deny the desire that is there, but it's becoming harder and harder to turn away from it entirely.
So he settles for letting Erwin be the one to drop their hands, content to hold on for a while longer.
no subject
He remembers a day the last time they were in Luceti, when Levi was sick abed and Erwin had come in the morning to bring him tea and check on him. Levi had reached for his hand then, just as he had a moment ago. Erwin, surprised, had taken it and held it, but let go all too quickly. He should do the same now. But he doesn't. Their hands remain just where they are--a compromise, he thinks. He'll allow both of them this, but no more.
In a moment they'll begin discussing other things--what they've found out over the course of the day, what they intend to do tomorrow, what would be best for the future. But Erwin won't release Levi's hand until they get up from the table, and by the end of such a long conversation, it will have become so comfortable that he'll nearly have forgotten about it.
He'll go to bed that night with that in mind.