Erwin's thought process with regards to their timeline had been very similar--but as it turns out, they've somehow managed to come from much the same point, it seems. Levi's words hang heavy in the air, but Erwin doesn't hesitate to acknowledge them.
"You heard correctly." He meets Levi's eyes directly now that Levi is finally looking at him. He doesn't want to leave any room for doubt between them. "It hasn't happened yet, but certain officials are determined to see it done very soon--momentarily, in fact." His hand reaches up, thumb brushing along the line of his cheek to the skin around his left eye, still swollen. It's improved, he thinks, and the cuts on his face have all closed, but he certainly doesn't look as he had this last week. He had been healed only for the duration of the shift, it seems. Though he makes no comment about it, it is obvious that he hasn't been well treated during his imprisonment.
Levi isn't sure if without what had happened in Luceti if he would've felt the same icy feeling slide through him upon hearing - with almost absolute certainty - that Erwin is in fact going to die. It's not as though he hasn't thought about the possibility before, not as though they hadn't gone into this plan knowing it was a possible outcome. But somehow being upon the precipice of yes, he really will die presses hard upon his chest.
There's so much tension in him that his shoulders begin to ache, and he finally drops his eyes. He folds his arms across his chest, jaw tight as though wired shut. Words seem to stick in his mouth, not trusting himself to speak.
In a way, Erwin had been anticipating silence as a response from Levi. No matter how prepared he may have been for the eventuality of Erwin's death, facing it as a certainty rather than a possibility must be sobering. Even without the things that have occurred between them in Luceti, Erwin is well aware that he is important to Levi (and Levi to him). He is the person Levi trusts and reveres above all others, the one he has chosen to believe in, to follow. By dying Erwin is foisting a terrible weight onto Levi: the responsibility to fulfil the duties he will leave behind, and to carry on his ambitions. And Levi will, he thinks, need to bear the burden of his sins as well before all this is through. But Levi has accepted some of this weight already, and he will have help from Hange. If Erwin didn't believe in the two of them then this plan of his would be meaningless.
Erwin doesn't want to die, but he will do so without hesitation if he must. Not only does Levi realize this, but Erwin knows that he feels the same way.
There is still a chance, however, that a plan Erwin had set in motion some time ago may yet prove fruitful--but there is no way to tell, and Erwin doesn't want to give Levi false hope. Instead he approaches Levi, lays his hand on his shoulder. "Levi," he murmurs, but nothing else. They need to talk. If Levi makes himself distant over this, that won't happen.
It's difficult reconciling the discomfort he feels because of what Luceti has enabled (or forced) them to do with the strong faith and devotion he's had in Erwin for so long now. It leaves him feeling at odds with his instincts, desires, and his ability to just blindly trust Erwin's judgment. Nothing is lining up, and it gives him an uncomfortable sensation of restlessness.
For a moment he doesn't react to Erwin's touch, but then he glances up at him, at the marks and bruises and swelling of his face left from the abuse a the hands of his captors. In truth, it's surprising they hadn't done more.
In the past, his instincts have been wrong, and desire was something he had buried within himself long ago. The only thing that is really, truly familiar, is trusting in Erwin.
So that's what he'll do.
"Your face looks rough. Can't believe you let them beat you like this," he mutters as he lifts a hand, letting it hover at the side of Erwin's face as he attempts to remember how to use the healing power he'd learned in Luceti the first time. It was never much, but should be enough to at least make Erwin more presentable.
Erwin's lips crack in a small, tight smile. "What should I have done instead?" The energy emanating from Levi's hand is familiar; he'd seen him use this trick several times, though actually experiencing it himself is quite strange. The painful throb of his swollen eye and the several other cuts and bruises besides begins to lessen, and before long he can nearly see properly on his left side again.
He still hasn't removed his hand from Levi's shoulder. It's a familiar impulse to squeeze it lightly, reassuringly.
"Didn't think you'd be this useless with only one arm," he mumbles, though without any real bite. There was little any of them could have done, and it's lucky that they hadn't resorted to torture.
Although perhaps they figured there wasn't much they could do that would be more painful than having your arm bitten off.
His hand drops when the superficial wounds have healed, and Levi's eyes slide to Erwin's missing arm for a moment. That's not something Luceti's powers can heal, he's fairly certain.
That had been extremely lucky; Erwin had been anticipating it, and was frankly surprised when the worst he received was a superficial beating. He thinks he might have Nile to thank for that.
"At least I have you to act as my right hand," he says. "Otherwise I really would be useless."
When he touches his face again, he finds the swelling nearly gone, and most of the bruises and cuts no longer tender. Levi's done well with what he remembers. He doesn't miss Levi's glance at his arm, but it will do no good to mention it. That can't be changed.
"I'll need you to reach out for me. Discover who is still here, especially if there are any remaining Corps members."
"Seems like a lot has changed since we were last here. In terms of people, anyway."
A lot of people appear to be gone. Farlan and Petra definitely weren't here anymore, and Levi isn't sure if that's a relief or a disappointment. The dull ache that accompanies their memory still resonates in his chest, perhaps a little more sharply than before.
"I'll see who is left, and start making new contacts."
"Thank you. Please let me know what and who you find as soon as possible. In the meantime will be going back to see Ginia. She will be able to give a thorough report on what we've missed."
Erwin's hand leaves Levi's shoulder as he steps away from the counter, putting some distance between them before he adds, firmly, "We'll talk about the rest later tonight."
There's a noticeable chill in the air when Erwin leaves his side, and Levi takes that moment to turn and begin to prepare some tea. Luckily some had been left over from their previous stay, and it's probably still good.
He makes some for Erwin, and sets it down wordlessly in front of him, prepared the way he prefers.
Levi drinks his, and slips out a moment later with a murmur about doing some reconnaissance.
He returns several hours later, when it's dark. His stomach is growling, but he has fresh fruit in hand, and sets about slicing it up for a small meal.
Erwin is there when Levi returns, having come back about an hour beforehand. He's at the kitchen table, which might as well be his office desk in Luceti, poring over his own notes from months past. He looks up when Levi enters, but doesn't speak until Levi begins preparing food.
"Fresh fruit?" Rare for them, but in Luceti they have it in abundance. He pushes his chair back from the table and moves to join Levi, standing beside him. "It looks good."
"If we're stuck here again we may as well enjoy the better things it has to offer."
Food, namely. Though he still won't touch anything that doesn't look as though it has organic origins. Fruit is fairly simple, and he enjoys it best plain. There's strawberries, apples, pears, peaches, and bananas. It only takes him another few minutes to arrange things on a plate and he turns to the table and. Stops. It's covered in papers.
"Agreed." Erwin reaches around Levi to pick out a slice of apple, bringing it to his lips and chewing slowly as he watches Levi arrange the rest.
He turns to look at the table when Levi does, realizing at just about the same time that they can't eat with all of his things spread out everywhere. He moves to clean them up, gathering the papers into a single pile. "There is," he says, holding the stack of pages in his hand and straightening them against the table, "I can start using it if I would be less of a hindrance to you that way."
It's not really that he wants to kick Erwin out of the common space, just that he appreciates having a place to sit down and eat meals without feeling...crowded.
So once Erwin has cleared enough space, Levi places the plate on the table and takes a seat opposite Erwin's chair. He knows they still have other things to discuss, but he's not going to be the one to bring it up.
"I can do that." The organized papers are set aside on the countertop for now as Erwin sits again across from Levi, the table and the plate and a mess of unspoken issues between them.
"Whomever decided to return us here just in time for a shift certainly has a sense of humor."
A long moment passes before Levi makes any movement to indicate that he's heard Erwin. He chews slowly, just savoring the taste of the fruit in his mouth. Finally he swallows, glances at Erwin briefly before spearing another piece.
It's silent for a beat, apart from quiet chewing as Erwin takes a moment to eat, and to think. He'd framed up this conversation in his mind earlier, but Levi has a way of drawing more honest, less rehearsed reactions out of him than he'd like.
"It was simple. Nice." But reality is not. They don't have nice, simple lives and they aren't supposed to. He lets those words hang in the air as they are nonetheless, curious about Levi's own thoughts.
Levi says it softly, even though he knows Erwin is fully aware of them. But it almost feels as though if he says them out loud, if he can make it such that they can blame their behavior entirely on the shift and not because of any latent emotions, that it'd be easier to put it behind them and move on.
It's just harder now, because he can remember that simplicity. It's infuriating, really, that someone would dare flaunt and let them experience a lifestyle they'll never, ever be able to obtain. Even if Luceti is close to it, they still have their history and tightly-held inhibitions to overcome.
He doesn't need to directly acknowledge Levi's words; Levi knows that he knows, and his silence is enough. He looks at the fruit between them before refocusing directly on Levi's face, gaze steady.
"I told you my thoughts when we were here last." Having a taste of a simpler life hasn't changed his mind. "At the very least, we now know for certain that whatever occurs here has no effect on anything when we return."
Their first time in Luceti, that was something that he would have needed to confirm with absolute certainty for himself to lift any doubts or reservations he had. It had been a more or less convenient excuse to not fall over the edge into veritably forbidden territory - to dare even express those feelings, let alone act on them.
Now, he has no reason to hold back. That's how Erwin sees it at least, Levi thinks. Erwin has always been the one to take risks, sometimes no matter what the cost, to exploit the opportunities presented to them as they arise if some benefit could be seen. There's no way he'll give up trying now.
Levi shifts, still not sure how to reconcile his own desires with years of repression. He returns Erwin's gaze, finally.
At first it's somewhat surprising to Erwin that Levi chooses to interpret his words as such. But after taking a moment to re-examine, it isn't such a shock after all.
"That isn't what I said," Erwin replies, not reproachfully, but gently. "There are still a number of reasons to hold back." But Erwin has to wonder what Levi means when he says that. Hold back from what? Sex? Expressing sentiment? And admittedly, the reasons for holding back have grown fewer with the knowledge they have now about how being transferred to and from Luceti works. Does Levi...want to stop holding back?
"What I mean is this: we can't change what has happened, and in turn it won't change anything for us at home. I don't want you to worry yourself over it, or for it to cause any strife between us." He feels the urge to reach across the table an lay his hand on Levi's arm, but represses it. He usually thinks very little of initiating simple physical contact like that while talking to someone, but in this case it is something he should be more sensitive to. "However," he continues, "if you feel differently, or think that I am addressing this issue insensitively, please tell me. I want to reconcile any differences in a way that will enable both of us to move forward seamlessly." Perhaps unnervingly, he has maintained direct eye contact throughout their conversation.
"There must be a solid understanding between us. I need you, Levi."
And he is more frightened than he lets on that this has changed or will change the bond they have taken years to painstakingly establish in a way that is irreconcilable.
There's an urge to say 'nothing's changed,' which is the first thing that comes to mind. Except that it just isn't true anymore. Something has changed, but as far as Levi is concerned for the most part it doesn't really matter until Erwin brings it up.
Levi has long learned how to not shift under that gaze, if only for the mere fact that it no longer makes him uncomfortable. Erwin has his complete trust, and despite the shift in one level of their relationship, that hasn't been shaken at all.
He doesn't move at all, but in some way it's a relief to hear that Erwin hadn't been advocating to move forward unrestrained.
Levi's resolve is steady as ever when he speaks. His expression gives little away, but Erwin sees his sincerity, the good heart that is at Levi's very core. It will take more than this--whatever this is--to shake the trust they've forged between them, he realizes. He should have known that already. Even in this, Levi trusts his judgement. Even in this, Levi will follow his lead. He already has Levi's devotion.
"Thank you," he says, and this time does reach across the table to lay his hand on Levi's arm, just above his wrist. "I hope that I haven't disappointed you. As much as I..." He falters for a moment, collecting his thoughts. This isn't something he should say. "If you are comfortable with things as they are, then I am as well."
"...no." His voice is softer than he'd intended, as though struggling against something in his chest to get the word out. "You haven't."
Levi can only guess what words were meant to follow after Erwin cut himself short, but in a way he's glad they hadn't been said. Whatever it was, he's not sure he's ready for that. Not yet, and perhaps not ever.
Comfortable isn't quite the right word for how he feels about things as they are, but he's comfortable not thinking about it, for better or worse.
He moves his hand, shifting carefully so as not to fully dislodge Erwin's from his wrist, and twists it so that he can press their palms together, fingers curling over the top of Erwin's.
To be fair, Erwin doesn't particularly want to consider the words he might have said either. It's for the best that he stopped himself before he said anything too damning.
If Levi was disappointed, he would say so, Erwin thinks--yet his voice doesn't firm until 'it's fine.' Despite whatever difficulty he seems to be having, Erwin will take him at his word. He'll trust him.
Levi's touch, however, does little to deter the urge to stand and lean across the table and kiss him, just as he can remember kissing him last night. This is the opposite of what they are attempting to do here. But nonetheless he returns the grip, closing his fingers around Levi's hand.
"Good. I know that you would tell me if it weren't."
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"You heard correctly." He meets Levi's eyes directly now that Levi is finally looking at him. He doesn't want to leave any room for doubt between them. "It hasn't happened yet, but certain officials are determined to see it done very soon--momentarily, in fact." His hand reaches up, thumb brushing along the line of his cheek to the skin around his left eye, still swollen. It's improved, he thinks, and the cuts on his face have all closed, but he certainly doesn't look as he had this last week. He had been healed only for the duration of the shift, it seems. Though he makes no comment about it, it is obvious that he hasn't been well treated during his imprisonment.
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There's so much tension in him that his shoulders begin to ache, and he finally drops his eyes. He folds his arms across his chest, jaw tight as though wired shut. Words seem to stick in his mouth, not trusting himself to speak.
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Erwin doesn't want to die, but he will do so without hesitation if he must. Not only does Levi realize this, but Erwin knows that he feels the same way.
There is still a chance, however, that a plan Erwin had set in motion some time ago may yet prove fruitful--but there is no way to tell, and Erwin doesn't want to give Levi false hope. Instead he approaches Levi, lays his hand on his shoulder. "Levi," he murmurs, but nothing else. They need to talk. If Levi makes himself distant over this, that won't happen.
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For a moment he doesn't react to Erwin's touch, but then he glances up at him, at the marks and bruises and swelling of his face left from the abuse a the hands of his captors. In truth, it's surprising they hadn't done more.
In the past, his instincts have been wrong, and desire was something he had buried within himself long ago. The only thing that is really, truly familiar, is trusting in Erwin.
So that's what he'll do.
"Your face looks rough. Can't believe you let them beat you like this," he mutters as he lifts a hand, letting it hover at the side of Erwin's face as he attempts to remember how to use the healing power he'd learned in Luceti the first time. It was never much, but should be enough to at least make Erwin more presentable.
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He still hasn't removed his hand from Levi's shoulder. It's a familiar impulse to squeeze it lightly, reassuringly.
"Thank you."
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Although perhaps they figured there wasn't much they could do that would be more painful than having your arm bitten off.
His hand drops when the superficial wounds have healed, and Levi's eyes slide to Erwin's missing arm for a moment. That's not something Luceti's powers can heal, he's fairly certain.
"...yeah."
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"At least I have you to act as my right hand," he says. "Otherwise I really would be useless."
When he touches his face again, he finds the swelling nearly gone, and most of the bruises and cuts no longer tender. Levi's done well with what he remembers. He doesn't miss Levi's glance at his arm, but it will do no good to mention it. That can't be changed.
"I'll need you to reach out for me. Discover who is still here, especially if there are any remaining Corps members."
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A lot of people appear to be gone. Farlan and Petra definitely weren't here anymore, and Levi isn't sure if that's a relief or a disappointment. The dull ache that accompanies their memory still resonates in his chest, perhaps a little more sharply than before.
"I'll see who is left, and start making new contacts."
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Erwin's hand leaves Levi's shoulder as he steps away from the counter, putting some distance between them before he adds, firmly, "We'll talk about the rest later tonight."
'The rest,' or 'whoops, we fucked again.'
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He makes some for Erwin, and sets it down wordlessly in front of him, prepared the way he prefers.
Levi drinks his, and slips out a moment later with a murmur about doing some reconnaissance.
He returns several hours later, when it's dark. His stomach is growling, but he has fresh fruit in hand, and sets about slicing it up for a small meal.
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"Fresh fruit?" Rare for them, but in Luceti they have it in abundance. He pushes his chair back from the table and moves to join Levi, standing beside him. "It looks good."
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Food, namely. Though he still won't touch anything that doesn't look as though it has organic origins. Fruit is fairly simple, and he enjoys it best plain. There's strawberries, apples, pears, peaches, and bananas. It only takes him another few minutes to arrange things on a plate and he turns to the table and. Stops. It's covered in papers.
Levi holds in a sigh.
"There's a desk in the extra room, you know."
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He turns to look at the table when Levi does, realizing at just about the same time that they can't eat with all of his things spread out everywhere. He moves to clean them up, gathering the papers into a single pile. "There is," he says, holding the stack of pages in his hand and straightening them against the table, "I can start using it if I would be less of a hindrance to you that way."
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It's not really that he wants to kick Erwin out of the common space, just that he appreciates having a place to sit down and eat meals without feeling...crowded.
So once Erwin has cleared enough space, Levi places the plate on the table and takes a seat opposite Erwin's chair. He knows they still have other things to discuss, but he's not going to be the one to bring it up.
Nope.
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"Whomever decided to return us here just in time for a shift certainly has a sense of humor."
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"Yeah, I'm laughing my ass off about it."
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It's silent for a beat, apart from quiet chewing as Erwin takes a moment to eat, and to think. He'd framed up this conversation in his mind earlier, but Levi has a way of drawing more honest, less rehearsed reactions out of him than he'd like.
"It was simple. Nice." But reality is not. They don't have nice, simple lives and they aren't supposed to. He lets those words hang in the air as they are nonetheless, curious about Levi's own thoughts.
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Levi says it softly, even though he knows Erwin is fully aware of them. But it almost feels as though if he says them out loud, if he can make it such that they can blame their behavior entirely on the shift and not because of any latent emotions, that it'd be easier to put it behind them and move on.
It's just harder now, because he can remember that simplicity. It's infuriating, really, that someone would dare flaunt and let them experience a lifestyle they'll never, ever be able to obtain. Even if Luceti is close to it, they still have their history and tightly-held inhibitions to overcome.
Which is easier said than done.
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"I told you my thoughts when we were here last." Having a taste of a simpler life hasn't changed his mind. "At the very least, we now know for certain that whatever occurs here has no effect on anything when we return."
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Now, he has no reason to hold back. That's how Erwin sees it at least, Levi thinks. Erwin has always been the one to take risks, sometimes no matter what the cost, to exploit the opportunities presented to them as they arise if some benefit could be seen. There's no way he'll give up trying now.
Levi shifts, still not sure how to reconcile his own desires with years of repression. He returns Erwin's gaze, finally.
"So there's no reason to hold back."
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"That isn't what I said," Erwin replies, not reproachfully, but gently. "There are still a number of reasons to hold back." But Erwin has to wonder what Levi means when he says that. Hold back from what? Sex? Expressing sentiment? And admittedly, the reasons for holding back have grown fewer with the knowledge they have now about how being transferred to and from Luceti works. Does Levi...want to stop holding back?
"What I mean is this: we can't change what has happened, and in turn it won't change anything for us at home. I don't want you to worry yourself over it, or for it to cause any strife between us." He feels the urge to reach across the table an lay his hand on Levi's arm, but represses it. He usually thinks very little of initiating simple physical contact like that while talking to someone, but in this case it is something he should be more sensitive to. "However," he continues, "if you feel differently, or think that I am addressing this issue insensitively, please tell me. I want to reconcile any differences in a way that will enable both of us to move forward seamlessly." Perhaps unnervingly, he has maintained direct eye contact throughout their conversation.
"There must be a solid understanding between us. I need you, Levi."
And he is more frightened than he lets on that this has changed or will change the bond they have taken years to painstakingly establish in a way that is irreconcilable.
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Levi has long learned how to not shift under that gaze, if only for the mere fact that it no longer makes him uncomfortable. Erwin has his complete trust, and despite the shift in one level of their relationship, that hasn't been shaken at all.
He doesn't move at all, but in some way it's a relief to hear that Erwin hadn't been advocating to move forward unrestrained.
"You have me, Erwin. That won't change."
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"Thank you," he says, and this time does reach across the table to lay his hand on Levi's arm, just above his wrist. "I hope that I haven't disappointed you. As much as I..." He falters for a moment, collecting his thoughts. This isn't something he should say. "If you are comfortable with things as they are, then I am as well."
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Levi can only guess what words were meant to follow after Erwin cut himself short, but in a way he's glad they hadn't been said. Whatever it was, he's not sure he's ready for that. Not yet, and perhaps not ever.
Comfortable isn't quite the right word for how he feels about things as they are, but he's comfortable not thinking about it, for better or worse.
He moves his hand, shifting carefully so as not to fully dislodge Erwin's from his wrist, and twists it so that he can press their palms together, fingers curling over the top of Erwin's.
"...it's fine."
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If Levi was disappointed, he would say so, Erwin thinks--yet his voice doesn't firm until 'it's fine.' Despite whatever difficulty he seems to be having, Erwin will take him at his word. He'll trust him.
Levi's touch, however, does little to deter the urge to stand and lean across the table and kiss him, just as he can remember kissing him last night. This is the opposite of what they are attempting to do here. But nonetheless he returns the grip, closing his fingers around Levi's hand.
"Good. I know that you would tell me if it weren't."
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